A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.
  • I was going to buy a copy of The Power Of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? - Ronnie Shakes
  • The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
  • A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. - H.L. Mencken "In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these." - Paul Harvey " Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." - Herbert Hoover No matter where you go, there you are." - Buckaroo Banzai "How would we measure hail without golf balls?" - Hank Caruso No one gossips about other people's secret virtues - Bertrand Russell Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. --Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. --Rhonda Hansome Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. --Jennifer Unlimited I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. --Jennifer Unlimited The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. Albert Einstein "Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." - Yogi Berra "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert DE Niro "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Richard Jeni "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." Oliver Herford "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." Winston Churchill "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx "Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress." Joan Rivers "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown " At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Partick Moore "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." A. Whitney Brown "All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women." W.C.Fields "I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards." Rudyard Kipling "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson "I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress." George Bush "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld