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Beautiful Mistake

Sunday, 27 February 2005

Spiritual Speculation
Mood:  special
Disclaimer: This entry is about religion/spiritual beliefs. MY beliefs. Everything here is based on MY opinions. If you don't agree with them, thats fine. If you think you will be offended - don't read on. If you read on and get offended - well, I warned you.

Last night I lay in bed and thought far too hard about far too many things, until eventually my mind started to clear, and I started to phisophise instead. And eventually what I came up with was this:
I don't believe that God has any one true face, anymore than I can believe god has any one true gender. I think god appears in many forms, and every form is part of god, but not... not, the essence the pure truth and presence of god. I don't believe we could ever see that as we are, unless we are in the afterlife, because God is so many different things. God is beauty and ugliness, male and female, the truth we love, and the truth we don't want to see. God, like nature, has many sides, and seeing them all at once is impossible.

I think, we give a part of ourselves to god, the part that ties god to us, and to this world, and I think in return, each of us carries a part of god in us. The part that keeps us going on when we feel we have nothing left. The part that can look at something and choose to see a spot of beauty wehere they could instead see only ugliness. The part of us that we could call a soul, or our higher self.

It connects us. We connect each other, human to go, to earth, the three things are entertwined. Maybe it's true, what they say when they wish to comfort you, perhaps none of us are ever truly alone, we just haven't become aware enough of those other parts of us to see it yet.

Posted by thesebeautifulscars at 5:00 PM

Saturday, 6 November 2004

The Big Bangs
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: That song that goes "It's getting hot in here" by Nelly
I don't really mind fireworks. They don't inspire in me now the same awe and excitement that they did when I was a little kid, but I still think some of them are gorgeous. I don't like the loud noise most of them make, but anyway, thats not my point. My point is, fireworks are too easy to come by, and not everyone is responsible with them. I think fireworks should be available only to authorised people for the purpose of a big firework show (free or not, whatever) that is properly supervised, and that people can come and see, and be amazed. I don't think they should be available to the general public, or let off on the beach or the back lawn. I'm saying - don't banish them, reduce and control them. It's more fun when theres a crowd watching in a big field and hot dogs and glows to buy anyway, right?

The thing is, not just people getting hurt, but pets. And not just hurt, but terrified. I have a cat, and the last couple of days I have made him stay in at night, worried that some maniac would think it was a good idea to tie a cracker to his tail or something. But I never realized that fireworks aren't just dangerous to pets - they scare the willies out of them. And that upsets me. A few pretty lights is not worth finding my pet cowering behind the dvd racks, agitated and shivering. He crawled into the bed with me because he felt too vulnerable crouched on the end of the bed the way he normally sleeps. And I let him, because I was worried about him. And I was worried about the pets whose owners don't care, or simply don't realize that big booms, and exploding lights in the sky don't thrill cats and dogs and ducks etc the way they do humans. From now on, they don't thrill me much, either.

Posted by thesebeautifulscars at 12:01 AM

Saturday, 9 October 2004

Practically Perfect In Every Way
Mood:  lazy
It must be hard to be perfect. I went to school with a few people who seemed perfect, who could never do any wrong. They were nice to everyone, cheerful, moral and involved in everything... I cordially despised them. But now I think about it, and I wonder how hard they had to try to be so perfect, and what kind of pressure was put on them to be that way. And I don't despise them, in a way I admire it, and maybe envy it, but mostly I feel sorry for them... because it must be really, really hard to be perfect.

"Families are a source of comfort, and a source of irritation. No one outside can ever understand what goes on in the privacy of a home."From 'Naked In Death' by J.D. Robb

Posted by thesebeautifulscars at 9:54 AM

Sunday, 26 September 2004

When your heart chooses for you
Mood:  not sure
My partner took a day off today, and I accompanied him to the doctors. While waiting for him to have something or rather attended to (it was too crowed to have both me and the nurse in there lol) I read an article in amagazine about a fifty year old man and his struggles to be both Christian and gay. The popular christian attitute is that you make the choice to be gay. I don't agree with that. I don't think you choose to BE gay. Maybe you make the choice whether or not to act on those feelings, but theres no way you choose whether or not to HAVE those feelings. And as for your upbringing or being bullied making you gay.... well, I think that's bullshit. Anyway, this poor man wanted to be a minister, but failed to see how you can be a christian minister and be attracted to guys. When he confided his problem to the head of his church, they first 'exorcized' him, and then sent him to christian rehab! A friend of mind was 'exorcised' but she actually had more problems afterwards than beforehand! And so it was with this man. He had to confess every small and large sin, and then the exorcist grabbed him and yelled at the demons to come out. Four months later, he was off to rehab, where they sorted out his underwear, and watched him every minute of the day. He actually married, had kids, preached for a living.... but all the while the feelings he tried so hard to supress were growing inside of him, driving him crazy. Eventually, something had to give. He divorced his wife, and has discovered that he can have loving relationships with men. His wife have remarried, he has written a book, and his daughters love him and are proud of him. To accomplish this, after thirty years of hating this flaw inside of him, fighting it down because it was either be gay, or have faith, he has taken to researching the bible and such things, and discovered mis-translations. He says he can't discover anywhere that god really said it was wrong. I don't know about that, but I'm happy he found some sort of peace. To me, a god that create you as you are, but then doesn't love you because of what you are, is not a god I want anything to do with, or would if I elieved in him, which I don't. I think christianity is very restrictive. It teaches you to hate parts of yourself, to live your life according to others and a set text rather than by what your heart tells you is right for you. Fifty years of living a lie? No thank you.

Posted by thesebeautifulscars at 4:02 PM

Tuesday, 21 September 2004

I think certain concepts have passed me by.
Mood:  blue
So, I've been thinking. I went to the doctor today, and questioned him about the huge angry lump that has sprung up on my back where he dug out a mole. He told me not to worry, it was just a Kenoid, which is excess tissue. Then he said he wouldn't like to operate on me, since that will happen everytime. Apparently it will start looking better in two to three years. Heh, won't be wearing a bikini top for a while. Anyway, what made me start thinking was that he was a bit puzzled, because according to him, it's unusual for a white person to be a kenoider. He said "It mostly happens to negroes" It was odd, because I thought, "to what? oh... black people." And thats whats weird to me. These labels. The political correctness that only emphasizes our perceived differences. Grouping people like that seems dodgy to me. I mean, you can group people like, 'those people like to read, and that group of people need coffee before you talk to them in the morning' but putting people into groups of 'those are white people and those are black people' seems irrelevant to me, because it doesn't illuminate anything about them, it doesn't really tell me who they are, or what they are like. I like to write, and I have a quick temper, those things are part of who I am, the things that make me, me. Without them, I swouldn't be me. But if the only difference was that I had darker skin, I'd still be me, the same person I am now. So why do people need to make an issue of it? Why stereotype people by the colour of their skin? It doesn't change who the are inside, whether they are good or kind or compassionate, or anything of those things. All it does is put a wall up between you, and some people that you might like, if you looked beneath the skin that is a different colour from yours.

Black people, white people, yellow people, purple people, green people... the important word is 'people'.

Posted by thesebeautifulscars at 8:42 PM

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